etc.

Dear Squirrels Who Live in Our Neighbourhood,

Please do not come back to our house. I have nothing against your kind, really, I brake for you on the road, and I’ve always thought you were kind of neat, especially when you sit on your hind legs and nibble at nuts held before you, you’ve always sort of reminded me of gummi bears when you do that and I like gummi bears.

I can appreciate that you like a warm place to sleep but I’ve really had enough of waking up at 6am every morning to the sound of your scuttling feet in our ductwork. Really. And when we trapped one of you in our clever bucket-and-cardboard contraption this morning, I admit that we took some delight in the fact that our half-baked plan actually worked, but we were much more delighted to see you go. MUCH more delighted.

And now with winter fast approaching, don’t be alarmed to find all your usual entry points boarded up, with critter deterrents littering your path. Honestly, it’s nothing personal. We wish you well.

Our best,
The Occupants of the Small House with the Red Door.